Slip Slip Knit

Which, in an ironic twist of fate, has not been knitting. When I took this new position at work, I had no idea it was going to suck the life out of me. I've got maintenance folks that don't want to maintain, standards everyone wants me to uphold, but no one wants to support. So, knitting hasn't been just in the back seat, but in the damn trunk. But Christmas is coming soon and my Danny and Steph need their warm woolies. So I've got to get on the stick. Also, since they are expecting a bundle of joy, I'm also working on a baby blanket. Let me tell you this difference between knitting for babies who are wanted and planned and those who are quirks of fate. So I'm trying to schedule an hour of knitting into my days. Between running around like a fool in my kitchen and doing 16 tons of paperwork that I don't want to do.
Here's a pic of the baby blanket.

I have some lovely friends who live in Utah. Every year for Christmas, I  knit them something. Mostly because they are the coolest people, but also because they like my stuff and they use it. So this year I'm making them mittens. Plain mittens for Danny and some lovely fingerless lace mitts for Stephanie. I'm excited about Steph's mitts, largely due to the fact it is my first project on DPNs.  I'm working to overcome my fear of the dreaded dpns. Ever since that first time, I have shunned them, saying it's like handling a handful of sticks. Which it is, a bit, but you only have to knit with two of the sticks at any given point. So we shall see.
Danny's mittens are being done on magic loop. I heart magic loop and cannot imagine what people did before it was invented.

Why yes, yes I can. Readers, meet Sabrina Rose. A lovely 2006 Lincoln Zephyr, with the serious pimp package. Leather, cruise, audio, heated seats, etc. Not to mention the shiny 3L V6 under the hood. Acquired at a very decent price on Friday. It means I can never buy yarn again, but does reinforce what I knew all along, I am a Lincoln girl. I just am.

Ok, here's a link to the pic...because Livejournal won't let me post the silly thing.

http://feedthemuse.blogspot.com

SABRINA fair
Listen where thou art sitting
Under the glassie, cool, translucent wave,
In twisted braids of Lillies knitting
The loose train of thy amber-dropping hair,
Listen for dear honour's sake,
Goddess of the silver lake,
Listen and save!

They say there ain't no cure for the summertime blues. They could be right. I can't seem to get into anything I'm knitting. Even though I know Fall will be here soon so I should get Argosy going again, it's almost the 4th and Sahara is not even remotely wearable. I just don't seem to want to knit anything I'm knitting. Bleh.
Maybe I just need a trip to the yarn shop, or a kick square in the butt. :-)
But look, here's a bunny.

It is often the case with my life that I develop what I like to call a "blind spot". For instance, at Stitches, I saw this draped neck tank that I had to knit. I loved the neckline. I spent the better part of several hours, dragging my friend around, searching for the perfect yarn. Now, usually, if I can't find yarn for something (and I searched Stitches, a local yarn shop, and online) that usually means I'm not supposed to knit this project. Added to this, when I figured out what the pattern was, and took a look at it, I realized that major renovations would be called for before I would be able to wear it.  All of this taken into consideration was like the Universe saying "NO!! Get out while you still can!!" Then, finally, the light dawned with a little help.
   You see, I also develop this blind spot with people. No matter what evidence presents itself that I really ought to cut my losses and write it all off as a bad bet, I keep trying to make it work. Keep trying to work it so that I get what I want. At best, it ends in wasted time. At worst, it ends in massive quantities of bad. Never mind the Universe tried to warn me. That blind spot just won't go away. Until you know it's there, and you start to really look for it.
    Even though I knew that the pattern I wanted was all wrong for me, I really wanted it. But sometimes, it isn't about what you want. Occaisonally, the Universe/God/Whatever knows what's best for you and it would do you well if you listen. So, lesson learned, at some cost, and now I find myself a little sad, but wiser on the whole.

You can't always get what you want.

All I ever want is the truth. Not what you think I want to hear, not what you think won't hurt my feelings. I don't mind hurting. I've been hurt plenty and I've lived through it. And I will hurt a lot less in the long run if you tell the me the truth now, rather than letting me find it out later. I hate that crap. It pisses me off completely. But people will say things they don't mean and they will tell pretty lies. And it always gets found out. Sometimes they mean well, sometimes they're just trying to snow you. The result is always the same. Mostly, I don't believe anyone anymore. I can't tell the difference between the good guys and the bad guys and I wonder if maybe that means they are all the same. Maybe they are.

Everybody lies.

Which actually has nothing to do with my knitting. That's going ok. Facebook is a mixed blessing. I like reading about what people are up to and such but here's the thing...All of these people from my past keep turning up. People I knew in high school, elementary school even. And I see that they have jobs (some fancy, some not-fancy) and families and really seem to have done things with their lives. I find myself feeling...adrift. I've no family, no children and no plans to have any. I'm living in an apartment, mostly alone, and I feel like somehow all that potential I had when I was 20 years old is...gone. I went into a corporate job after college, where I did not shine, so I left it and came to Charlotte to go to culinary school. Sold my house in Florida, most of my belongings, left my family and friends (not that there were many) and hauled myself and my hubby  up here. I told myself I was going to make something of myself, I was going to be a chef. Now I am, sort of. But somehow I have failed to set the world on fire. I have a good, but mediocre job which doesn't really pay the bills, a husband who's never here, a few friends and a lot of yarn. I'm not sure what that adds up to, but it sure as hell wasn't what I expected.
  But that's enough of my bile and self-pity. I'm doing well enough and there are folks much worse off. So I have no reason to complain. I just wish the past would bury its dead and stop finding me on Facebook.

"What's past is prologue..." ---As You Like It, William Shakespeare

My knitting muse was apparently on vacation, but I think she'll be back. Or at least I hope so, because I'm starting to knit more often again. I had a little span of time where worry was chewing me, so I was sleeping when I wasn't working. But it's all about to change. I've some pics to show. Nothing exciting, but some progress was made.

First....the lace hat.


That is some fabulous DIC Smooshy sent to me in a swap by an awesome girl Melissa. (she has a blog, but I cannot remember it).
And now, the no longer arsed up Argosy...


I'm hoping to have this done by next Fall...In further knit news, I'm sick of cowering like a dog and am determined to finish Sahara before July 4th. Mentioning a date may be purest folly, but since I cannot buy a break these days, I say, what the hell.

OK, it has been a way long time since I've posted, but I've been crazy busy. So I cry you mercy. I have not been knitting as much as I could have or should have. But I aim to correct that soon. All of the projects are in that spurious, inching-along stage that means basically nothing to photograph. But I will try to get pics this weekend, between housecleaning chores. But mostly all is well, so no news is good news.

I am tired. Tired of letting things just steamroller me until I'm a smudge on the ground. Seems like lately I've just been letting life happen to me. Claiming no control over people or events or the space-time continuum is a handy way to have no responsibility, but as my yoga teacher tells me, mindfulness means taking responsibility for yourself, even if you can't do anything else. So I have to say, to all those things which have been thwacking me around like a tennis ball in a squash court, I'm taking control back. I'm taking my knitting back, my health, my brain, my job, my finances and my confidence. I am taking it all back. If you don't like it, here's my new mantra...Om and kiss my arse!

There's a famous phrase that someone once gave me, "People are like popcorn, you don't know what they're really like, till you put heat under them." Which is something that I have discovered about myself. I always think I'll handle situations in a certain way, but I never really know until I get into the situation, and then have to get myself back out again. Thus this weekend attending a club with my DH, a man who doesnt dance and may just be as antisocial as I am, and we're at a club. So we're sitting, having a drink, listening to the music and watching the people. This is entertaining, but only for a while. So I guess I let it be seen that I was bored or dissatisfied or whatever and before I know it, DH is all down my throat telling me we're leaving because "You don't look like you want to be here." Explicable? Not really. So I guess I better learn to fix my face or become more easily entertained, lest we wind up popping off like kernals in an air-popper. Never would have happened if I'd had my knitting. I might have even figured out what to do about Argosy. Or finished the other hat I'm working on.

But yeah, I didn't really want to be there.
I wanted to be at home. Knitting. :-P

Well, finally 2008 has kicked the bucket and I'm grateful. I don't know what it is about December, but it seems that every year, my life just goes to hell that month. But I'm not going to just leave it there in Hell. I'm going to pull it out, one inch at a time if I have to. I have a marriage that is a bit odder than most folks' but it is worth saving. That means work, but anything worth having usually means work. So here's to a new year, new knits, new yarns, and learning how to save yourself.

BTW, I've arsed Argosy up somehow, its going to require the consult of experts to help me figure it all out. *sigh*


May your new year be blessed and happy.

I'm sitting here working on a scarf and a story about mac and cheese and my DH is not here. I know where he is, who he is with, and what he's doing. Knowledge is power, friends. Except when too much knowledge becomes your kryptonite. The key is distraction. I went to a movie and then to the bookstore. Now I'm working on my computer and playing with my iPod. Distracting yourself from what you know is a coping strategy that I like. Because you cannot get thru something like this by looking it in the eyeballs. Its like looking at a basilisk. It will make you crazy. Not Virginia Woolf-crazy, more like Single White Female-crazy. Insanity reigns over you. Things like this are not rational. You can't force rationality. So what's a girl to do to keep her sanity? Maybe even some dignity?

Don't look. Just breathe.
Close your eyes.


"And I would choose to be with you. That's if the choice was mine to make.
 But you can make decisions too. And you can have this heart to break."

---Billy Joel "And So it Goes"

I always loved that song. Its hopeful and a little melancholy. But its beautiful, so it is one of my favorites. I'm cooking some onion soup for my sister, some cookies for my bro-in-law and hope to be able to kniw sometime after christmas festivities are ended. I hope that everyone can be with those who love them, be they family, friends, churches or temples. Bask in a little warmth this season. Its been a hard year for most of us and a little comfort would be welcome. So have some eggnog and a cup of cheer and to all a good night.


Merry Christmas
Blessed Solstice
Ah Lichtige Chanukah

Because you cannot keep a good knitter down! In actual knitting news, I have finished a hat I was making for a co-worker of mine. It was my first attempt at hatmaking without a pattern.  It turned out surprisingly good. My lovely BAMmers gave me some help with the decreasing portion and before I knew it on Sunday the hat was done.
 And I have picked up the needles again. I can read my patterns again. Everything is not alright, but I cannot let my whole world just crash and do nothing. Gotta pick the pieces out of the rubble and soldier on.

I tried to pick up the needles this week. Hoping for a little yarn therapy to help me through the hell that my marriage is becoming. The pattern lines kept jumping about and blurring and I couldn't read them. Then I got to a PSSO and for the life of me could not imagine what that was. It almost made me cry. Knitting was supposed to be solace. There is no other for me here. I've turned instead to physical activity, since I can't seem to knit. I purchased a WaveMaster (a standing punching bag) and I've been whaling on that thing for sometimes an hour straight, trying to remember my Tae Kwon Do moves. I'm good with the punching. The kicking is still not as accurate as I remember being. But since I'm not sleeping much, I've lots of time to work on it.
I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to fight this, even though the agreement was made? Even though I never thought that it would be her? Do I honor the agreement, even though it might kill me to lose him? Or will I lose him in fact? It is my fervent hope that he bores of her quickly and puts a stop to this torture. I've done everything I can think of to be more interesting, more attractive. But I'm not new. I'm the same woman he's been with for 11 years.  But the thought of just giving up and letting go leaves me so breathless from pain I have to sit down.
 I don't know how I'm going to get through this. It's partially my own damn fault, should never have let any of this happen. But since it's halfway done, seems unfair to call the game now. I'm just counting on my resilency and love to get me out of this is in mostly one piece. I'm a survivor type. I'm going to be ok.


I think.

I know this is supposed to be a knitblog, but I don't have anywhere else to tell these stories. This is the only blog my mum doesn't read and she cannot know any of this. I'm sorry I caused any concern with my post yesterday. DH are still together. We've had an...unorthodox marriage...and I'm hoping that when this is done, we can just be normal again. But in an effort to give some excitement to an 11 year relationship we made some...adjustments. I'm now required to uphold my part of the bargain we made and I will not lie, it sucks. If it had been any other girl in the whole world, I might have dealt with more grace. But this girl has a history with DH and with me and it isn't a good one. So grace was not to be found. But I will learn to cope with this little wrinkle. We aren't breaking up or divorcing or anything dire, but this might be a stretch of bad road.
I will remain calm, and hopefully dignified. Thanks to everyone who commented with sympathy, I really appreciated it. I didn't think anyone ever read this. Shows what I know. So if you see me about and I look beat down, a pat on the shoulder is always welcome. And I thank you.


"Once I put my coat on, I know I'm coming out in this all wrong.
  She waits outside to hold me, saying
  O please 
  I'm in love, I'm in love..."

--Never Think by Rob Pattinson

Yeah I'm not sure where to even begin to think about it. Except that I don't want to think of it at all. It hurts. I know I deserve it, but that doesn't make it stop hurting. I almost wish he would just leave me, get it over with. Rather than go to her, with me knowing it. To that girl. That one. I don't know that knitting will help this one.  

I finally finished my very first Magic Loop project, the Serpentine Mitts. Though, since I left the cables out, I guess I'm calling them the Not-So-Serpentine Mitts. I really enjoyed this knit, until the very last part of the second mitt with a bind-off that seemed interminable. I finished these this past Wednesday at knit group and was able to give a glorious, both-hands-in-air (with the mitts on) barbaric YAWP. It was a good night. Now I'm down to a measley 3 projects, since Sahara is sleeping. What shall I cast on? Shall it be a Clapotis? Or Tudor Grace? Or both? Yeah, I'm such a slut. I know...

Woohoo...


Koigu, about a skein. Purty...



Carriage House Yarns I think...again purty...

And there was more. There was KnitWitch, courtesy of Turtlegirl, the vile enabler. But it deserves a post all its known.